went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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