Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
