it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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