it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
