I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is my gift to your gina
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
