Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
