I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dear god my vagina.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
