You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
