I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
