I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
