Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
