i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i dont even know how to be here
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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