I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
