did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
