Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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