but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
