Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
