when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
