Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
