ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
