Jerry, you need to find god
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
