So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
