Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
