Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
