something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
