yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
