i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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