If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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