My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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