one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
