i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
