we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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