well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
