you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
