He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
