Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
