I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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