I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
