I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
