I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
