he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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