So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
