I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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