There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have tasted many bathrooms
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
