I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
