Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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