The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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