she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
