I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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