god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Pooping to opera.
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