dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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