Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
